Losing a Loved One Advice
You write how your faith in God keeps fluctuating after losing a loved one.
As I read your story my heart is wrung with compassion for you. You have lost a dear one, young and precious to you. I do not have easy answers for you, but perhaps there are two things you might consider.
The Bible says that God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.(1John 1:5) He loves you and wants to comfort you, and as you draw closer to Him, he will put His arms around you and hold you tight. If you do not have close friends who are really following Jesus, you might look for a group in your city that is like that.
The second thing I leave with you to think about is that seeing God is Good, then the evil things that happen in our world are the result of the work of the evil one who is doing all he can to turn us away from God. As I read the first three chapters of the book of Job, I see portrayed a scenario that Job and his friends did not see.
Satan came in contest with God over the integrity of Job. God allowed Satan to attack Job, but put restrictions on what Satan could do. Job became sick, lost his family and everything else. He maintained his trust in God and came out of the test triumphant.
When a missionary's wife lost her godly daddy, she was mad at God for almost a year. She kept asking 'why?'
One day as she was deep in prayer the Lord spoke in her heart and said, "I am not preparing my people for this world, but for Eternity." From that day on she had a new perspective, and with it came peace of heart. Yes she missed her daddy, she grieved too, but she drew nearer to the Lord Jesus, and was comforted.
Please know I have prayed and will continue to remember you in prayer that the Lord will meet you at the place of your need.